how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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