i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
