Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
