Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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