If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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