i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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