Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
40s are totally the cure
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
