shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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