She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
