Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
