when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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