I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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