Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
