Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
