My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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