just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
