I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
