You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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