he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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