i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
