Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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