he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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