I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
love makes seman taste better
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
