Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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