i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
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He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
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We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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