Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
