I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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