after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
