does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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