I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
