she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
