Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
