i already hear my dad disowning me
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
