So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
