I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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