it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
