My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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