You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
