i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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