I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
