I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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