How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize