If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
