1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
