a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
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She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
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You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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