If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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