Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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