Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
