Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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