he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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