Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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