$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dicks are not precious.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
