I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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