Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
