Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
